So, I’m a huge fan of Avatar: The Last Airbender. (The television show, not the movie adaptation directed by the dismal M. Night Shyamalan, may his name drown forever in ignominy, nor the famous film about blue Indians.) And there’s this one episode I love in book two called “The Guru,” where the show’s protagonist, Aang, learns how to control the avatar state by consulting, you know, a guru. (The avatar state is sort of this special power mode Aang can level up to by channeling the energies of all his past lives, which makes his tattoos glow and gives him super-bending abilities and elongates his penis to ten times its usual size because how else are they going to make beautiful Katara hooking up with this goofy little kid appear at all plausible?)
The guru suggests that in order to control the avatar state Aang must cleanse the seven portals of energy in his body called chakras. (You may also have heard about chakras if you subscribe to Hindu beliefs or spend a lot of your free time googling rainbows.) Chakras, the guru says, are like connected, swirling pools of water that can become clogged with sludge and gunk comparable to the vicissitudes of mortal life.
I don’t really believe in energy portals or similar hippy dippy stuff, like auras or chi, but I think they’re a cool concept. Soooo, for fun, I’m going to follow the Guru’s outline and attempt to unblock all my holes, thereupon unleashing the TRUE LIFE CUNT STATE! (The ‘true life state of cuntitude’? HMMM) Yeah, the rest of this blog is going to be boring and personal and all about feelings … but hey, maybe this’ll make my small titty grow to twice its usual size and at last they’ll be even. Chorus: “As has been prophesied!”
The first chakra is the earth chakra, located at the base of the spine, which deals with survival and is blocked by fear. My fears include: climate change, getting cancer, losing a parent before I’m ready, never being kissed … *closes her eyes* I am proud that my fears are realistic (to me, anyway; I suppose everyone’s fears make sense unto themselves), but I also find them vexingly self-interested, and I wish that I were more truly concerned for the well-being of other people.
When I focus, though, I can release my fears pretty easily, so maybe I’m not quite as concerned for myself as I sometimes appear? Maybe I’m just not a person who’s deeply motivated by fear in general?
The second chakra is the water chakra—located in the sacrum (vazgine, genitals, they don’t mention this in the show), deals with pleasure, blocked by guilt. I often feel guilty for imposing my personality on other people—for talking too much, too much about myself, especially when I mess up and say stupid things. In reality, everyone does this (yet probably not as often, nor to the same extent that I do).
A lot of my worst memories are of times when I said a stupid thing I hadn’t really thought through, or said something hard, but which was true, to which another person responded by hating or deserting or castigating me. I feel guilty for everything I could have done better, all the friendships I may have saved, by being smarter about what I said.
I think part of this folly in me comes from my extroversion. I think by talking out loud; even as I write these words, they are upon my lips. And you know, your first thought about something isn’t always the most intelligent, it isn’t even always what you consider to be ‘what you really think.’ That, combined with my innately and intensely dramatic spirit, has resulted in my saying some pretty dumb fucking sh—gah, I’m supposed to be forgiving myself here.
The third chakra is fire, located in the stomach, deals with willpower. (And to help fuel it, I’m going to have some bananas and sour cream & onion pringles.) Shame is the crud that festers in this chakra. It’s closely linked to guilt, but has to do with offenses against our pride, as opposed to mistakes we couldn’t help but make. I am ashamed for not going to university, for not being a better, more productive, creative writer, for not taking better care of my body—for a lot of things I do not do or have not done, I guess.
This pond is probably the most infested, mosquitoey, garbage-filled of my sacred spinal river. I have no drive. No … ambition. I’ve been depressed on and off for a long time now, especially in regards to my future. It hadn’t really occurred to me before this that these issues might be rooted in shame. I don’t feel like a proud person, but maybe I used to be and just fucked up so badly that I gave up on everything? No, I believe it’s more complicated than this purification system allows for. Yeah, that’s right, System. You don’t own me. I CAN BE SATISFIED AS A GENTLE UNICORN LOPING THROUGH THE FOREST IF I WANT.
The fourth chakra is the air chakra, residing in the heart, dealing with love, supposedly blocked by grief. Obviously the death of my friend and former lover has been the prevailing source of grief in my life for the past month. I’ve never dealt with a literal death like this before, but I have lost a lot of people.
For some reason, I don’t really want to talk about all the characters I miss from my life. Instead I want to describe the sunrise I can partially glimpse through the foreground barrier of my curtain and the middle ground barrier of my backyard trees. From this heavily obscured view, the sky looks striped. Gold at the bottom, orange above that, then a kind of fiery, unnatural white, more orange, pink faded to blue above the tree-tops. I’m not usually one for appreciating nature in all its widely extolled majesty, but it really bugs me that my dead friend doesn’t get any more sunrises, or grass, even. Fuck.
Fifth is the sound chakra—of the throat, as you might imagine. (It’s pretty obvious the direction we’re travelling along the body. Not likely to veer off into the left earlobe.) It deals with truth and is blocked by lies (the ones we tell ourselves, says Gurumastermanyoucan’tevenbendwheredidyoucomefrom). Ugh, how am I supposed to figure out a lie I’ve been telling myself? I really care about the truth, too, this isn’t some bullshit soul searching for the sake of completing bullet point #5.
Maybe … maybe it’s that I have more power than I think I do—power to write, power to leave, power to challenge my destiny. Pretty sure that certain individuals I shant name (or deign to provide with a gay nickname) are nodding their heads right about now. Shut up.
Sixth is light, forehead, insight, blocked by illusion and the devil’s pet demon monkey. The greatest illusion of all is the illusion of separation between republicans, democrats, the mainstream media, and international corporations. They are all trying to fuck you in the ass. Like the human centipede, all their bullshit is connected. Everything is connected.
The last chakra is the thought chakra, located at the crown of the head. It deals with pure cosmic energy and is blocked by earthly attachments. I am deeply attached to my personal narrative, my own story. When I think about dying, it kills me that this character I’ve had a hate/love relationship with for so many years will be gone, for real. No more growth or pain or adventure. I don’t know how to let it go because it’s the only thing that keeps me going at all for so much of the time. But maybe if I could just stop thinking about my life and get out of this storybook mind-set, the pure cosmic energy would flow, and I could be the harry potter avatar. I don’t know.